Too gay

The other pulls back or feels pressured.

When couples don't understand these dynamics, opening the relationship can seem like a solution. This means learning to treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a dear friend who was struggling.

When you notice a critical thought, you can pause.

It provides evidence that your life is part of a long and vibrant history, full of possibility.

For the Self-Aware Person: When You Know the Theory but Still Feel Stuck

There's a particular kind of frustration that I see in my practice, and it's especially common among people who are insightful and have done a lot of their own reading and thinking.

During an initial consultation, it is your right to ask about their approach. There's also rebellion. You might ask yourself, "What would I say to a friend who expressed this feeling to me?" Almost always, the response would be one of warmth, validation, and support. Just with more people involved.

Looking at libido differences through the lens of sexual appetite, erotic template, and attitudes about sex helps us explore the underlying needs each partner has and what they feel is missing.

This stress isn't the same as everyday stress like deadlines or bills. One partner might pursue more sexual variety. Think about the 'data' you consume every day. The problem happens when questioning one rigid expectation gets replaced with another.

What goes unspoken is how much pressure some men feel to be open, even when it doesn't align with what they actually want, or their values.

One partner I worked with agreed to an open relationship because he didn’t want to seem insecure or jealous.

Lack of visible models can make it harder to imagine what works for themselves.

What's really happening underneath

It’s not uncommon for there to be different libidos in gay male relationships. Check for membership in a professional body like the BACP.

An approach like EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing) is designed specifically for this kind of work.

This coming out scene did stir up plenty of discourse online in terms of the 'ship' wars going on between Bylers—those who want Will and Mike to get together—and Milevens—those who want Mike and Eleven to end up together—because episode 7 seemed to confirm Byler isn't happening.

During this coming out scene, Will explains that he had a crush on someone (while looking at Mike) but realized that this person is his 'Tammy,' a reference to the girl Robin was crushing on but who ultimately was never going to reciprocate her feelings.

This could be friends, a chosen family, or a partner. It might not be something we’re explicitly told, but we see it in the split-second facial expressions when our voice lifts, the reactions when we gesture too freely, or the subtle shift in energy when we speak with too much enthusiasm or flair.

So many gay men are taught to read these micro-reactions like survival skills—quiet corrections that signal we’ve crossed an invisible line.

There's nothing wrong with wanting an open relationship. In that space, you can begin to choose a different, more compassionate response.

The Path to Self-Acceptance: Practical Steps Forward

Gay self-acceptance is a process, not a destination you arrive at one day. They wear wedding rings, post anniversary pictures, and share weekend stories with ease.

When couples open a relationship without tending to it first, the underlying issues will still appear.

How do you know what you actually want?

Knowing what’s right for you and your ideal relationship starts with getting honest about whether you're choosing something because it aligns with your values, or because it feels expected or that you’ll lose something if you don’t.

This might look like consciously choosing to watch that queer film, and when the familiar cringe or discomfort arises, you simply notice it. It involves acknowledging the difficult realities of minority stress while actively cultivating a life that feels authentic and joyful.

Here are some approaches that people I work with have found grounding and genuinely helpful on this journey.

Moving from Self-Criticism to Self-Compassion

The voice of internalised homophobia is often harsh and critical.

We’ve learned to scan spaces for danger, to minimize risk, and to keep ourselves emotionally safe.

But the coping strategies that helped us survive aren’t the same ones that help us thrive.

We don’t need to apologize for how we love, speak, dress, or show up. In simple terms, it proposes that people from stigmatised minority groups face chronic stress resulting from social prejudice and discrimination.