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Male sexual fluidity

In my practice, I come across many men who identify as straight but engage in having sex with men or are attracted to watching gay porn.

Most often they grow up to be happily married to a woman, never having thought of themselves as gay or bi. Straight men, on the other hand, remember no such attraction or interest. Straight men rarely even notice the men other than to appreciate the arms, chest, and abs and wanting to look more like them, but they focus on women’s bodies. However, if a man admits to watching gay porn or fantasizing about sex with other men, even if it was only one thought and if he’s never acted on these impulses, he’s automatically labeled as a closeted gay man, or a bisexual in denial.

“Male sexual fluidity” at least offers the possibility that if someone is courageous enough to explore his sexuality, he may more accurately determine who he is in an organic, authentic way. These can sometimes help people self-identify and find a community they can feel at home in, and they can also serve as an instrument for self-advocacy and empowerment.

“Sexual fluidity” is a term that’s helped some, particularly younger people, feel a sense of community.

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Sometimes their wife has discovered their Internet searches, prompting one or both into coming into my office.

However, these men and their female partners worry that they’re not straight. This seems to me to be a good development. They didn’t confuse the acts with their sexual identity. Many boys while growing up participate in secret bonding experiences with other boys by masturbating together, and even masturbating each other (circle jerks).

The good and bad of labels

At some point in our sexual experience, labels can be important—quite liberating and affirming.

Male Bonding. Sexual behavior doesn’t always equate with sexual identity. This sort of homophobia is rampant in closeted gay and bisexual men. First, sexual or erotic identity cannot be determined from the outside. They might be into cuckolding, hotwifing, foot fetishism, and other erotic interests that involve a man, but it isn’t about the man’s gender but rather about the sexual experience or fetish.

It allows for nuance. They often don’t tell the whole story and can keep us in a mental box that’s at odds with our evolving eroticism. While these men don’t believe that they’re gay or bisexual, others—unfortunately including other therapists and even other gay and bisexual men—will insist that they’re truly gay or bi and simply in denial about it, in other words, closeted.