How tell if a guy is gay

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He may be telling himself that it’s a purely sexual thing, just like the bi and straight guys are doing, but over time his true identity will come out.

For straight men, the most common reason is sexual abuse. I call this returning to the scene of the sexual crime. And then they ask me if this makes them gay.

When a straight guy is giving oral sex, he doesn’t care what the other guy looks like. A lot of the time they didn’t know what to call it, but they knew that they had an attraction to men—the locker room, the boy scouts, or wherever. Can we talk about what’s changing between us?"

Avoid Accusations:
❌ “Are you gay?” → ✅ “Your happiness matters.

Here’s what you actually need to consider.

Step One: Ask Yourself Why You Want to Know

This is the most important starting point. Are you trying to understand your own feelings? It’s not about rejection. Or are you simply trying to better connect with someone whose emotional energy feels unclear?

There’s nothing wrong with wondering.

Don’t press for details.

But the gay man cares. It’s creating space. He might overcompensate with hypermasculinity. Grieve if you need to. He’s actually straight, but for whatever reason, he’s been looking at gay porn or he’s been having sex with men.

Number two is that I wanted to write this book for the men themselves because they’re usually very confused. They’re reenacting the abuse.

And yes—it’s possible that he’s not straight. But there are also a dozen other reasons someone might struggle with connection: trauma, fear of intimacy, stress, mental health, or unresolved identity issues that have nothing to do with orientation.

If your partner avoids touch, seems guarded, or is hot-and-cold in his affection, it’s worth having an open, non-accusatory conversation.

However, more and more of these couples are deciding to stay together, mostly after the age of 60.

When the man is bisexual it’s all over the map. But don’t weaponize that pain against him. Maybe you’re picking up on subtle signals and wondering what they mean.